Voldie Takes a Job as a Telemarketer
by JAHM PRODUCTIONS
Summary: During these trying times, even the almighty Dark Lord has been forced to take up a second occupation.


Voldie takes a job as a Telemarketer

A JAHM Productions Story.

DISCLAIMER: We at JAHM PRODUCTIONS do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to JK Rowling.

During these recent economic hardships, even the Dark Lord has been forced to take up a second job; telemarketing.

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Customer 1: *click*

Voldemort: _Well, that went well._

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Customer 2: Eh? Speak up Sonny, ah'm old y'know.

Voldemort: HELLO, THIS IS YOUR LOCAL DARK LORD, MAY I INTEREST YOU IN ANY PRODUCT OF AN EVIL OR DARK NATURE?!

Customer 2: Aw, Billy! I'm so glad you called! It's been months since I've heard from my favourite grandson... *drones on*

Voldemort: *click*

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Customer 3: Define dark. Is it the absence of light? Is evil the absence of good? How do you define good? By what standards? Are you actually selling me the ABSENCE of something? Then are you therefore selling me nothing? I can tell you now that I am most certainly not interested in buying nothing, as most people seem to have quite enough of it floating around in their heads. Good bye. *click*

Voldemort: ?!?!?!

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Customer 4: OOOH! Do you have the wand of the dark wizard Grindewald?

Voldemort: Um, no, that's pretty rare.

Customer 4: Then how about a cursed dragon scale?

Voldemort: Uncurseable. Sorry.

Customer 4: Oh well, that would have been so cool!

Voldemort: Can I interest you in anything else? We have some splendidly evil potions of a rather nasty nature.

Customer 4: No, no, no. How about some polyjuice potion?

Voldemort: I think that's do-able. When is a good day to contact you?

Customer 4: Actually, I'm good thanks. I don't really want it.

Voldemort: Uh, are you sure? It would be really nice to make a sale today...

Customer 4: Yep. I'm good.

Voldemort: *click*

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Customer 5 (a rather ditzy blonde): Uh, yeah, do you have anything pink?

Voldemort: That's not the usual colour for cursed or evil items, but...

Customer 5: How about purple! I LOVE purple!

Voldemort: Um...

Customer 5: Or mauve! Or magenta! Violet! Or clear! A nice light shade of clear!

Voldemort: Sorry, no. But we do actually have a lovely pink cursed bracelet. Quite attractive and reasonably priced.

Customer 5: Oooh! What would the curse do?

Voldemort: Well, it'll most likely kill you.

Customer 5: Well, would I look good dead if I was wearing it?

Voldemort: ...

Customer 5: Because there are two different types of dead corpses, the ugly kind or the really pretty, though slightly paler kind. I want to be the pretty kind, so you see it really matters. What do you think?

Voldemort: Uh, the pretty kind?

Customer 5: Oooh! That's just wonderful! Wait until I tell my girl friends! I'm gonna go call them right now! *click*

Voldemort: Wacko.

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Chuck Norris: ...

Voldemort: Or perhaps a weapon of a rather violent nature?

Chuck Norris: ...

Voldemort: *feels roundhouse kick through phone*

Chuck Norris: *click*

Voldemort: *cries*

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Emo Customer 6: Isn't the world cruel enough without people like you making me falsely believe that someone ACTUALLY wants to call me because they possibly CARE about my well being? It's so depressing to find out it's just another person who wants something from me! The world hates me! I hate the world! I hate everything! I'm so depressed! *click*

Voldemort: _Geez, that guy needs therapy. Or some bubble wrap._

Voldemort: Hello, this is your local Dark Lord, may I interest you in any product of an evil or dark nature?

Indecisive Customer 7: Um... I'm thinking... I'm thinking... I'm thinking... *continues in similar fashion*

Voldemort: May I interest you in something of a dark or evil nature?!?!

Customer 7: ... I'm thinking... I'm thinking... I'm thinking...

Voldemort: MAY I INTEREST YOU IN SOMETHING OF A DARK OR EVIL NATURE?!?!?!

Customer 7:... Still thinking... Still thinking... Still thinking...

Voldemort: JUST FREAKING BUY SOMETHING ALREADY!!!

Customer 7: No need to shout. I can't think with you yelling at me like this!

Voldemort: I can see this is a waste of time. *click*

Voldemort quit shortly after starting his job. No one can quite figure out why.

_JAHM Productions, because we (don't) care._


End file.
